Bangkok House

4698 S. Whitnall Ave., St. Francis, Wisconsin

Milwaukee must have fewer Thai restaurants than any city of its size in the country. It might have something to do with how, in Milwaukee, the dish Pad Thai is called “Pud Thai.” I asked my dining companion, Mr. Goodsell, why he thought that was, and he said, “Because it’s funny?” I know it’s just some matter of translation, but why are there no Big Boy restaurants in Milwaukee? Why do they call homefries “American fries?” And drinking fountains “bubblers?” Sometimes I feel like Wisconsin could be situated north of Canada. Often I wish it was.

The Bangkok House was an exciting discovery—it has the best Thai food I’ve eaten in Milwaukee—though it’s hidden in a strip mall out near the airport—the asshole of this or any other town. Make sure you sit with your back to the window and you can forget momentarily that just outside is an expanse of parking lot, then a heinous system of ugly roads and a no-man’s-land of runways. The suffocating music didn’t help transport me anywhere either; my dining companion, Mr. Ruschhaupt, suggested that it was a digital midi keyboard hidden out of sight somewhere, playing computer generated “dining music.” The sporadic bird chirps couldn’t save it.

The lunch buffet was off limits, not being anything close to gluten-intolerant friendly, and it looked a bit Chinese, anyway. The Pud Thai was very good, but the Massaman Curry was the best meal I’ve had in awhile. The Pud Kee Mow, made with “drunk man’s noodles” had very good flavors, but the sensation of the heavy, square rice noodles in my mouth made me feel like I was eating human ears.

I’ve always wondered why they don’t push the desserts in Thai restaurants—it’s almost like they want to keep them secret. Thai restaurant desserts can be THE best, too—and many are gluten-free. As usual, I was too full for dessert.

Then I looked at the drink menu and nearly decided to give up on my decades of sobriety right there—this was the most exciting drink menu I’d seen in years! The “Thai Boxing” intrigued me, especially semantically, and also because it was the Thai version of one of my old favorites, the Zombie. The “Teaky Bowl” claimed to be made up of a “mood altering juice concoction.” And most exciting, to me, as I have always had an obsession with blue drinks, was the “Blue Phuket.” There would be no way to order that drink verbally, but I nearly said, “Phuket!” At least I would have had something to talk about in rehab.